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Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 6:08 PM
Dear diary,
One day down. Two more to go.
Two papers down. Three more to go.
WOOT!

Paper 1 : Maths.
Omg. This was my first time having no confidence answering Maths questions T_T my mind went blank when I saw the first question. I was like, oh shi_! But then I still managed to get my hand to work, managed to answer all the questions. With no confidence T_T Ms S, my Maths lecturer, was there invigilating, walked up and down, passed by me so many times. As I was trying to concentrate to interpret and think how to solve the questions, I could feel as if I was being observed. I looked up to find her looking at me each time she walks pass me. I couldn't be bothered, I know I need to focus. After awhile, I was staring blankly into the air. She came up to me and asked if I'm sick. I told her that I was fine. But I think she could see that something was not right with me, she asked if it's too hard. I told her I have no confident in myself. Wtf lah T_T the paper was supposed to end at 12.10pm. But when the clock reached 11.10am, I was already done. I closed the paper, hesitating if I should leave the hall or to continue checking. Before I could even decide, she came and took my paper, told me to leave the hall, relax and to cheer up. Oh. My. God. What if I don't do well for Maths? T_T

Paper 2 : English.
ZS, S, HK and BK and I still managed to play chor dai di before the paper begins. Kononnya to release stress :P two listening texts, one comprehension section, one summary, one directed essay and one essay. Three hours. Oi, mana cukup? Robot meh? Thank god, I managed to finish fifteen minutes before. But but but, directed essay is gone case! I don't know what the hell I was writing, and it's too short. Oh noes T_T even for the essay section, my points were all jumbled up like ais kacang. Die lor T_T

Anyways, it's over at least! No point crying over spilt milk lah.

P/S : Good luck to those who are sitting for Econs tomorrow morning! Gambateh! :D

P/S 2 : I am paranoid. I brought I-don't-know-how-many pens, two pencils, two rulers, two erasers, two correction tapes, and two calculators! Calculators was lesson learnt from Nick. His GC died during the exam if I'm not wrong. I am so fucking paranoid. OMG. How lah T_T

Dear friend,
Cheer up lah. I've told you what I want to. It now depends on your hard work. I shall be your role model. Be tough. Being alone is about being strong, facing challenges in life with no fear (adapted from one of my blog posts? Oh great, I forgot). I don't want you to go through what shit I went through. Be happy! Sunny days appear after rainy days, and sunny days bring hope.

Random question : is two better than one?

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Monday, November 23, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Dear diary,
I think I'm finally waking up of bed on the right side. I woke up, washed up, went downstairs, turned on the TV, took my phone out, marked all the text messages in my outbox, deleted them. It felt good. Went to inbox, marked all the read messages, and got them deleted too. Both my inbox and outbox are left with nothing. They are as empty as my heart. Something that I promised myself to do on the 100th day, got delayed for nineteen days. Oh well, I think it's a good start, no? Credits goes to Gay Master 3000, who constantly reminded me to move forward :D

Note to Wood the sifu and Gay Master 3000 : are you both not proud of me? :D

While people of other courses get study break, ranging from a week to a month, I get a day. Yes, today is my STUDY DAY. Finals begins tomorrow. Three days of exams, five papers and I'm done. Honestly, I'm really unprepared. I don't have my weapons for tomorrow's battle. Will I survive? I hope.

Was in Starbucks, SS15 the whole afternoon. Managed to meet up with Cheryl for awhile while she was having lunch with Chuah. Just got home from dinner with the bunch of coursemates. I'm actually gonna have a nervous breakdown soon. I am really stressed. It's the first time being so afraid of exams. Even after so many times telling myself, nothing wan lah, it's just like those topic test you have. Take 98.5% as your motivation. If you think you can, you can. But the problem now is that I'm uncertain if I have prepared well enough. It's my final chance to do well for Pre-U. Whether or not that I will have the chance to further my studies with Lancaster depends very much on my results this time. I feel the pressure. I cannot re-sit. I cannot disappoint my parents.

I tried so hard to hold my emotions back. I told myself to be strong. I've once cried in front of a few of my college friends. That was due to the heartbreaking experience. This time, I told myself, I must not cry. I must remain calm and strong. Although I may be weak in the inside, but I must not be weak on the outside. Because being alone is about being strong, facing every challenge in life with no fear. Oh wtf am I crapping about? T_T

Dear coursemates,
ALL THE VERY BEST FOR FINALS! Together we shall work hard and win in this battle, together! JIA YOU!

P/S : HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

P/S 2 : Good luck wishes only work when it is said from the bottom of the heart. And only if the person who says it, means it. So if you mean it, wish me luck for finals, please. I'm actually in desperate measures of it T_T

You may be wondering how many days it has been,
But trust me,
Since I've deleted those text messages from my phone,
I think it is time also to stop counting,
Because it doesn't make any changes to the current situation,
Not like you will come back to me.
I love you.

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Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 8:55 PM
Dear diary,
Went over to YL's house again today to meet up with her and Rach. Zen joined us later, after lunch. About 3 something, I was craving for teh ping. The one I had during lunch hour was sucky T_T it tasted more like susu ping than teh ping T_T speaking about teh ping, there's a very no-comment-part, read the below conversation :
Me : eh, I want teh ping! T_T
YL : come let's go yum cha later.
Me : okie, where to get nice teh ping? :D
Zen : huh? What's teh ping?
Me : omg, you don't know what teh ping is? O.O
Zen : what is it? Some sort of food or what?
YL : kopi ping, teh ping. Get it?
Rach : hmm..it's milo plus coffee plus tea XD
Zen : o.O now I know
Damn, I hope Zen knows what teh ping is now T_T

So, we were deciding where to go to satisfy my crave for teh ping. Since the teh ping in Syed isn't that bad, we planned to go there. Then, the below conversation takes place :
Me : eh, got open mou? I always go in the night wan leh...
YL : I think got kua? Aiyo, if not open, then we go to Mukminin lah.
Me : *puzzled* where the hell is Mukminin? o.O
YL : eh? It's not Mukminin ah? What is it then? *think think think*
Me : Melur is it? =/
YL : ah, yes Melur! I remember there's one guy in Sejarah name Mukminin or something like that XD

ATTENTION : THE WOMAN WHO GOES BY THE NAME OF GOH ZEN-LI DROVE ALL OF US TO SS19 THIS AFTERNOON. SHE'S SO PROUD OF HERSELF! XD

Cheryl the woman who shouts talks super loudly when she needs people to listen to her in the car. YL the forgetful woman, who likes to cramp everything into her brain. Zen the super blur case and slow reaction woman. Rachel the woman who can be quite blur at times. Lol. Yes, they are my buddies. Awesome, no?

Oh, I just came home from dinner. Where? Lobsterman, SS2. Who? Mummy, Daddy, Bro and Grandma. Why? To celebrate Daddy's birthday. When? Just now lah. How? FLY LAH. I drove! Dinner was nice :D sorry lah, my first time eating lobster T_T

P/S : HARRO Peter Chao here Bro the stalker T_T

2 days till finals. Are you ready? Because I AM NOT! I didn't study yesterday and today. I AM DOOMED!

P/S : Days being alone = 118

Edited at 9.35pm :
Just done blog hopping. I just found out that I can have big influence towards others. Clap clap! Everyone (well, not everyone lah, only two of my friends) is using the ''If you think you can, you can" line so often. Whoa.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 3:29 PM
Dear diary,
I am bored. I am lazy. I am wasting time. I don't have my Finance extra notes with me, it's with ZS. And I want it back T_T where's my motivation to study? :(

Well well, let's see..
1. 2 days till Daddy's birthday. (omg, I just remembered that I haven't wrap his present yet!)
2. 3 days till finals. Gentlemen, start your engine.
3. 5 days till freedom/whore-liday.
4. 12 days till I officially turn 18 year old. (I feel more like a 7 year old girl though)

Dear friend (you know who you are),
Thank you for spending so much time chatting with me last night. Trying hard to lead me to the path of healing from this nonsense I'm going through. I know that I have been wasting too much time on this and it's really about time to move on. So what if I'm stuck here forever? Not like it will change the fact that it's already gone. Positive thinking! Time to make Wood the sifu and Gay Master 3000 proud yo! :)

Dear friend #2 (you know who you are too),
I understand how it feels to come across the ugly truth. It is so awful that even words cannot describe it. You will suddenly feel as if everything is falling apart, as if the world is coming to an end just like what you see in 2012. You will find yourself losing the hope and faith in yourself, and also in every other matters. You will find yourself in the worst state ever. You feel so down, so down that you don't have the mood to do anything but to cry. But trust me, you will eventually pull it through. Finals is just in three days, and this is the final battle. Do not let this affect you so deeply. Your future is more important. I'm sorry to say this, but maybe it's just not meant to be. If it's meant to be, it will be yours no matter what happens in the future. I know I am in no position to tell you anything. But trust me, I have been through all that. I am also trying to pull myself back into pieces and work hard for finals. Positive thinking! Never doubt yourself because only you can prove the best out of you. If you need someone to talk to, or someone to listen to you, I am always here for you. Do anything that you want to, if it makes you feel better. But apart from that, together we will work hard for finals, and graduate this year, okay?

Everyone wants to be happy,
Nobody wants to be in pain,
But you can't have a rainbow,
Without any rain.

P/S : Days being alone = 117

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Friday, November 20, 2009 at 11:24 PM
Dear diary,
It's 11.24pm now, this means I still have 36 minutes for today's post! Hurray! :)

Today was the last day of class(es) T_T thus, the camwhore session after Maths class. Went for pan mee at SS19 with Rachel and Cheryl. Cheryl's paper ended at 10am, and her plan was to go home! Omg, how pathetic is that? After finals, and you're going home. Damn, I sure won't want that to happen to me T_T since I'm such a kind friend/daughter of hers, I picked her up from Taylors and off we went. We were suffering due to the hunger there while waiting for the omg-why-so-long pan mee T_T thank god we survived. This means we will be able to experience 2012.

Dropped that pathetic woman home before going back to my place with Rach. YL came over, went back to YL's house so that she could shower. Then picked that blur case woman name Zen and off to Taipan for dinner at Fish Gusto. The food is not bad. But the ice cream pancake wasn't as nice as I expected it to be T_T we were like jakuns there, making so much noise. Paiseh-nyer T_T

Oh, did I mention about Rach's great success? She caught a fly with her bare hands. Yes, a fly! The fly was nicely taking a rest on top of the Maggi chilli sauce bottle cap after such long journey flying here and there. Smart ass Rach asked me if she could catch it. I, who didn't expect her to listen to me, told her to catch it. And she did! But the Maggi chilli sauce bottle fell on the table. Everyone looked towards our direction. Paiseh-nyerr T_T and before that, YL dropped her cutleries twice. Another paiseh-nyerrr moment T_T

Since I had to drop Rach at church, and Zen was supposed to go to Cheryl's house for sleepover, so we decided to pick Cheryl from her home and go to Rach's church for fun. I feel so holy and classy. We were like VIPs there. we left early because we didn't want to join their photo session. So we decided to go yum cha at SS19. And also because I wanted teh ping T_T Talk talk talk. When you have SuAnn and YL and Zen and Cheryl together, you'll go nuts. They talk as if they have hearing problem T_T Cheryl practically shouts. Dropped all of them home before coming home myself. Oh ya! Pigs are still driving like pigs. Shit lah. Fast lane turns out to be for slowpokes T_T

Oh noes! I forgot to time my duration back home from SS14 T_T but I think I took longer than three minutes. No thanks to those slowpokes
Honey, I miss you.
4 days to finals.

P/S : Days being alone = 116

Edited :
That person. Who is that person? Where did I meet that person? Why is that person so significant? What is so great about that person? How did I meet that person?

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Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 6:08 PM
Dear diary,
Guess the joy I got from scoring 98.5% didn't last long enough. So what if I get such good results? It's only for topic test, not finals. Besides having a higher chance in doing degree with Lancaster next year, what more can it bring? Not like this ninety-eight point five percent would bring me lifelong joy. Not like it will promise me of finding my true love without having to go through the nonsense I'm going through now, again. Sigh. Excuse those mood swings I'm having lately, it's beyond my control. Now I know why I'm the epitome of sad T_T

In countdown,
1) 5 days to finals.
2) 7 days to freedom.
3) 14 days to my birthday.

So what if my birthday is in two weeks time? Not like I only have birthday once in a lifetime. Somehow I'm not that looking forward for birthday this year. Unlike previous years, I just realised that I'll be turning 18 in two weeks, today.

P/S : Mummy and Daddy are going for 2012 tonight. What am I to do? Rot at home? Or should I bring my bro out?

I'm a sad fish. Who are you?

P/S : Days being alone = 115

Edited at 8.41pm:
Joy. What is joy? Why do people need joy? Who deserve to have joy? Where can I find joy? How to have joy?

Miracles do happen, at times. Will I be the lucky person?

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Title : 98.5%

Dear loyal readers (for a change due to the joy :D),
With regards to the specially created title for this post, YES, I SCORED 98.5% FOR MY FINANCE TOPIC TEST 2! WOOOOOOT! :D excuse the caps, I just couldn't control myself XD it has been long since the last time scoring so high marks. It has also been long since the last time being so happy. I'm so proud of myself! XD

Seriously, 98.5%. When I first got my paper, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I was dreaming! Then after a few seconds, I realised that I was in reality. A big smile was carved on my face. It is true that I scored 98.5%! OMG. I am so shocked. Even until now :P I don't remember studying much for Finance. But how on earth did I score 98.5%? OMG. I shall share this good news with Mummy and Daddy later during dinner :D 98.5% is not easy to obtain. I'm not boasting. I'm just..out of words. 98.5% is even higher than those smart fellas that I know of. OMG.

Oh ya (part 1), interview with the MQA people. It was nothing (-.-). I was seated directly in front of the person-in-charge. I was quite nervous as I really have no idea what they were gonna ask about. Throughout the whole session, the only thing I said was : Ng Su Ann, N-G-S-U-A-N-N. The other times, all I did was just to sit there smiling and nod. Damn.

Oh ya (part 2), according to Sunny, I'm becoming more and more famous XD Edmund's friend from CIMP needed some help with their assignment. So, Sunny and I helped them. And we were recorded for their assignment. So Sunny said I'm another step to becoming more famous XD

P/S : to celebrate the event of me scoring 98.5%, I declare tomorrow as a holiday! WOOT! (but tomorrow's English class really is cancelled! :D)

6 days to finals.

P/S : Days being alone = 114

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 5:02 PM
Dear diary,
While some people are doing their presentation, while some people are out watching movie, while some people are playing games, while some people are studying hard, while some people are jumping in joy as they are done with Pre-U, I was sleeping. While it rained the whole day yesterday, today was rather a sunny day (not until now that it started raining). It was so hot that I had a headache. My head felt like it was going to ka boom anytime. Since I had no company to stay back in college with, and since I had the major headache, I went home right after class. Been quite some time since I came home early. Even Mummy was shocked as I was home by 3pm as I usually come home about 4pm or 5pm.

I really don't know what the fucuk is wrong with me, I haven't been feeling too good. As in, too happy. Finals is just around the corner, but why can I still afford to waste time? I seriously am driven to the thought that it's because of the contents of the text message on Saturday/Sunday. Sigh. By reading my post today, I think you (if you are a loyal reader, that is) would be able to tell that there's something which is not right with me. I'm feeling as if my body is here, but my soul is off wandering around. I'm a lonely ghost.

By the way, I met with the person in authority this morning. It's nothing big. Since I'm becoming more and more famous, thus I'm being promoted. From writing a testimony, to photo shoot, to appear in the catalogue(s). I'm one of the chosen six. We're supposed to talk to those people from the Malaysian Quality Assurance (MQA) tomorrow. I'm quite nervous. What if I say something that would leave them a bad impression, of me, of the course, and of the college? T_T okay okay, positive thinking! It will be fine! :D oh ya, after talking to people from MQA, I think I'll meet the principal next, then to meeting Jefferey Cheah himself. LOL. According to ZS, I'm gonna be the ambassador of Sunway University College next year. OMG.

Oh well, moving on. There's a new Facebook. It's called Faecesboobs (edited name of Facebook), that's what my Gay Master 3000 claimed it to be. It's so fucuk-ing SLOW. OMG. What? Just because we don't pay one million euros for the green pass to access Facebook/Faecesboobs? T_T

Also proclaimed by Gay Master 3000, I am the epitome of sad. Anything related to sad, please let me be the first to be in mind. I AM THE EPITOME OF SAD. Remember that, please T___T

P/S : GOOD LUCK and ALL THE BEST to RACHEL NG! Gambateh! :D

P/S 2 : Have a safe flight to Taiwan tomorrow, cousins and aunties and uncles! Enjoy your holiday! Too bad, I can't join T_T

7 days to finals.
I miss you. As the lyrics go : oh darling, I wish you were here. T_____T
P/S : Days being alone = 113

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Monday, November 16, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Dear diary,
It has been raining since morning. It's so cold. I'm so hungry. My toes are freezing. I can barely feel them T_T I've been wearing socks at home. Yes, I think I'm the only idiot who walks around the house in socks. Numbness in my toes have been with me for days. I have no idea why T_T
My mood is just like the weather, so gloomy and wet.
I've been in my heels for nine hours in college. Now that I'm home (in socks :P), I feel so short suddenly. Like an ant in a giant's world. Lolomg.
- Maths quiz was fine. I hope I can get all correct. Then 20% to finals will be in my hands.
- Finance presentation was fine too. It was shorter than I expected it to be.
- Psychology quiz was fine also?
I don't know why, but I'm feeling very sad today. Is it still because of the text message? No idea T_T
''Love is about compromise, understanding and respect. Love should not suffocate and undermine an individual. Be a happier person and love will find you. Learn to trust, forgive and care for someone without too many expectations. You will only be disappointed if you want more than you give.''
It was you who gave me the faith and assurance to build this up, but it was also you who made this fall apart. It was you who constantly assured me, but it was also you who broke those assurances made. It was you who made me feel like a world, but it was also you who made me feel like a useless fool. Who is to be blamed? You, for making empty promises? Or myself, for being so dependent on you? I think the second option would be more accurate...

I'm asked to meet the someone of authority tomorrow. No idea why. What have I done to have lead to this meeting?

8 days to finals.

P/S : Days being alone = 112

Edited:
WS : eh, why you so tall already ah? *looks down* oh! You're wearing heels! XD
I know I'm short not as tall as you :(

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Sunday, November 15, 2009 at 7:00 PM
Dear diary,
Frequent tummy aches are my loyal visitors for the past few days. I don't know why. I think something might be wrong somewhere. But last night's tummy ache was really very painful. As far as I could remember, I rolled on bed from left to right and right to left for a million times, cold sweat, numbness in my toes, and I even cried due to the pain. It was in the middle of the night when I woke up due to it. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even get myself off the bed. It took me millions of years to fall back to sleep.

I don't remember what exactly happened last night. But when I woke up this morning, I checked my phone. There were new messages in both my inbox and outbox. I really don't remember receiving or sending such text messages. I think I might have sent them out while I was in a subconscious state. I am a failure in life. Why can't I even control myself?

Since this morning, I've been feeling pretty weird. I feel so down and dead. I may be smiling and laughing, but the joy doesn't come from the bottom of my heart. It's the first time feeling so weird. I think it's because of the text message that I received. I feel so numb. I feel like disappearing into the thin air.

Even Mummy and Bro realised how weird I was acting today. I seriously am so lost. I have so many things to do, but yet don't know where to begin. I am so confused.

I feel like committing suicide, do you?

9 days to finals.

P/S : Days being alone = 111

P/S : Happy birthday to Tan Mei Yen! :)

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